I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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