I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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