I think my fart just growled at me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
