i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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