She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
