you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
True strength comes from lack of pants
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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