I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
