well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
