Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
