....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
