did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
