I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
