Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(914): View more from New York

i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.

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(713): View more from Texas

Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.

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