I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
