I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
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My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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