If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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