I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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