just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
