just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
