He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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