Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
