Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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