Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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