I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
