I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
