I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
