Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Randomize
