best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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