I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
