guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Too much gin, very little bucket
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
