After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
