I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
