i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
