even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
