You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
