and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
