We won't sleep together?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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