My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
