i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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