my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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