I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize