The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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