I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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