Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
