my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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