Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
