i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
