just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
