I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
