Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize