Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
