So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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