The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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