I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
