im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
